An acquaintance I call The But Guy has been trying for five-plus years to convince anybody who will listen that the Seattle Mariners ought to trade Ichiro Suzuki. The first time I heard it was at the end of the 2004 season. All Ich had done was hit .372 and set a major-league record for hits in a season, with 262. 'êBut the M'ês were 63-99,'ê noted The But Guy. 'êThey oughta trade Ich for pitching.'ê
So I know what to expect when I pass T.B.G. in the Safeco press box during the M'ês six-game home stand the first week of June. 'êHey,'ê I'êll say, 'êIch had four hits to extend his 24-game hitting streak Sunday and raise his average to .354: third best in the league.'ê
'êYeah, but the M'ês blew a seven-run lead and lost to the Angels in the ninth,'ê But Guy will note. 'êThey'êre 24 and 27, in third place, six-and-a-half games back. They should swap him.'ê
I may at this point ask But Guy to concede that an injured Ichiro spotted the rest of the league 11 games before joining the 'ê09 campaign. Even giving the head start he'ês third in the league in hits, just 11 behind the leader. 'êBut his hits don'êt translate to wins,'ê But Guy will argue. 'êDuring his 24-game streak the team was 9 and 15. Besides, he'ês the greatest month-of-May hitter in 50-some years. Naturally his average would be way up there right now. Dump him while you can.'ê
'êHe even had another dinger Sunday, his fifth already,'ê I'êll counter. 'êHe'ês on pace for 18 this season, all this from a guy standing five-nine and weighing 160.'ê 'êBut that just makes him better trade bait,'ê T.B.G. will banter. 'êUnload him.'ê
Obviously I can'êt win with a pro-Ichiro approach. A month from now nothing will have changed, to wit: 'êHey, Ich just hit in his 57th-consecutive game,'ê I'êll exclaim, 'êbreaking the most honored record in sports history, set in 1941 by Joe Dimaggio.'ê 'êYeah, but Ich was never married to Marilyn Monroe,'ê But Guy will recall for me. 'êMove him.'ê
A month later I'êll marvel that the right-fielder 'ênow leads in hitting, home runs, and runs batted in. He might win the Triple Crown, the first time it'ês been done since Carl Yastrzemski in 'ê67.'ê 'êYeah, but Yaz and the Red Sox lost the World Series that year,'ê T.B.G. will point out. 'êGet value for Ich now.'ê
The end of the season will approach and the Mariner brain trust will have seen the wisdom of hanging onto Suzuki. By then President Obama will have dispatched Ich to Pyongyang to diffuse the North Korea nuclear crisis. Ich will have gotten Kim Jong iL to take an autographed bat and a batch of wife Yumiko Suzuki'ês gourmet rice balls in trade for disarming.
'êThis guy'ês literally all-world now,'ê I'êll rave. 'êClearly you'êd want the M'ês to keep him.'ê
'êActually,'ê But Guy will say, 'êit opens a whole new way of looking at a trade. But instead of sending him to the Yankees or Dodgers or Red Sox, palm him off for prospects to the Washington Nationals. After all, Ich has always been comfortable playing for perennial losers, and this way his new best buddy Obama could see him play all the time.'ê
