The House of Representatives today voted for another great depression. The depression will begin in November and will end in July 2012, unless Congress extends it for three more years.
Lawmakers congratulated themselves on bipartisan cooperation. "It is a great day for America when both parties come together to assure business failures, stock market crashes, and double-digit unemployment," cheered Rep. Mike Thompson, D-Great Hair.
Democrats welcomed a new depression as a way of curbing CEO pay and reducing funds available for Iraq while increasing the Democratic base. Rep. Barbara Lee, D-Bad Hair Day, expects "the people selling apples on the street will vote overwhelmingly Democratic."
Democrats believe that the new depression will reward their most treasured supporters — members of teachers and municipal unions who cannot be fired, and trial lawyers who can now sue everyone who participated in an economic transaction. Equally important, the Republican base will shrink as bankers jump from tall buildings.
However, evangelical-Christian Republicans believe the depression will advance their "core" issues. "Look at the record," says Rep. Jeb Henserling, R-Campus Leader Haircut c. 1978. "From 1929 to 1932, we had prayer in the schools, abortions were illegal, and guns were unregulated. Church attendance was at an all-time high. Let's go back to the good old days."
"God shows his love for us by creating depressions," vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin added.
Republicans were jubilant about the prospects of the depression resolving the immigration issue. "No one will want to immigrate, legally or illegally," declared Rep. John Culberson, R-1960 Corporate Hair. "There will be no jobs. In fact, Mexico will start building a border fence."
The coalition almost split over differences in employment programs. The Democrats favored reviving government-sponsored programs such the Works Progress Administration and the Civilian Conservation Corps. Republicans demanded free-market solutions based on indentured servitude.
The Democrats finally blinked. "We were not willing for Republicans to get all the credit for the Hoovervilles, bread lines, and ruined lives," said one.
