I'm sure you were stunned by the headline: "Turns out Bigfoot was just a rubber gorilla suit." Hard to believe, I know. If you are looking for answers, however, don't despair. Instead of wondering aloud, "how can this be," turn to your home Mossback library. I'm sure tucked in there somewhere is a copy of the book that has all the Sasquatch answers.
I am referring, of course, to The Pyschic Sasquatch and their UFO Connection by Jack "Kewaunee" Lapseritis. This 1998 tome is an invaluable guide because it addresses so many questions about the nature of Bigfoot and his elusiveness. You thought the hairy giant was a hoax, or possibly a pointy headed man-ape with more hair than, well, a big giant hairy man-ape hoax, but you're wrong.
Lapseritis has had more than 500 encounters with Bigfeets over the years and has concluded that they are telepathic interdimensional beings that often travel via UFO. Yes, ET is a frequent traveling companion. Put the phone down, the CIA knows all about it.
If you read the book, you will know why those "hunting" Sasquatch will never find him: Such approaches are too "macho" and "ego-oriented." The true seeker allows the elusive astral critter to come to him. A helpful chapter is called "How to contact a Sasquatch." Writes Lapseritis:
I advocate a "modified" field methodology in the Jane Goodall tradition of peaceful coexistence, while learning and employing telepathic communication. Remember the sentient Sasquatch are in control, not the researcher. A researcher needs to 'surrender' himself or herself to nature and the universe on a childlike level while avoiding projection of inner fear, anger, hostility, or other negative emotions. Learning and practicing meditation two to three times daily is a most valuable 'research tool' in this kind of ultrasensitive research. ... [S]ay to the Bigfoot image in your mind: 'Please come and visit. You are welcome.'
Then tap your heels together three times. You think this is bullcrap? It works. Here's the proof, according to Lapseritis:
... I view this field model as scientific because whenever I go into the field for a good length of time and practice all this "hokey" stuff, the "experiential" proof is having squirrels jump in my lap. ...
Now that, folks, is pure science. Or at least intelligent design.
I hope these Lapseritis tips will save you from being disappointed in the future by yahoos who claim to have a Bigfoot in an ice chest along with the wild Rainiers.
